Comedian-actor-writer-multi-hyphenate Dave Hill (@MrDaveHill on Twitter) and I engaged in a BATTLE ROYALE to see who could write the best song about/for international supermodel Chrissy Teigen (@ChrissyTeigen).

Now, Chrissy is probably pretty used to having songs written about her SINCE HER BOYFRIEND JUST HAPPENS TO BE JOHN LEGEND but I think even Mr. Legend would agree that Dave and I have taken the game to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

So, WHO wrote the superior song? DECIDE FOR YOURSELF by checking out today’s 3-pronged edition of ‘A Song a Day with Eli Braden’…

INTRO: Eli’s spoken introduction/explanation

DAVE’S SONG: “Chrissy Teigen” by Dave Hill

ELI’S SONG: “Chrissy Teigen” by Eli Braden

…OR just subscribe to ‘A Song a Day’ for FREE on iTunes:

‘A Song a Day with Eli Braden’ on iTunes

10:07 pm  •  21 November 2011  •  5 notes

With the critical and box office failure of The Social Network, it’s become clear that Twitter is the dominant social networking site of our age (and, unquestionably, forever shall be - so open that checkbook, Rupert Murdoch!)

Yet unlike Facebook (which any drooling idiot can use - as evidenced by the popularity of Farmville), Twitter is actually a surprisingly difficult medium to master.  Despite the common characterization of Twitter as a compendium of useless observations and inane chatter, pull back the curtain a bit and you’re likely to find something far more interesting and stimulating.  Not “Rihanna sudsing up her tits in the shower” interesting and stimulating, but still…

Twitter is actually, in this author’s humble opinion, the creative and intellectual hub of the internet - a melting pot of ideas, opinions, and dick jokes from some of our culture’s most dynamic minds and some Kardashians.

But the 70s-porn-bush-like complexity of the site can intimidate the novice tweeter (or, “twat”).  What’s an “RT”?  What does “hashtag” mean?  Is Kanye West “on coke”?  Does Roger Ebert ever “fucking stop tweeting”?

If you answered two or more of these questions incorrectly, you’re so 2000-and-late.  But not to worry - sit back and relax, because over the next 943 words I’ll explain in detail everything you need to know to be totally awesome on Twitter and, in the process, you may even become a “clear” (again, I’ll explain later!)

First off, you’ll need a Twitter account.  Now honestly, I can’t help you too much with this one - I started mine like two years ago and I can’t remember exactly how one goes about it.  But I’m pretty sure it’s still free - and if Spencer Pratt sussed it out, how difficult can it be?

Next up you’ll need a Twitter handle.  That’s a one-word (preceded by an “@”) name that you’ll use to identify yourself as you navigate the uncharted galaxies of the “Twitterverse”.  Also, you should start using the word “Twitterverse” all the time.  It’ll really help keep you from looking like a cunt.

Your Twitter handle can be your name (i.e. @EliBraden), a nickname (i.e. @GiganticPenisedEli), a celebrity you closely resemble physically preceded by the word “fake” (i.e. @FakeBradPitt), or an expression of who you are as an individual (i.e. @BachelorFanatic23).  Or, it can be something else entirely.  Seriously, what could I do to stop you?

Thirdling, you must choose an ‘avatar’.  I suggest using a picture of yourself highlighting your most attractive features.  R&B star Chris Brown, for example, uses a photo of him not hitting a woman.  ‘Magician’ (LOL!) Penn Jillette’s picture features him not talking.  Tyra Banks uses a… uh… uhn… shit.  I just creamed my jeans looking at Tyra Banks.  Lemme go clean this up - I’ll get on Part 2 ASAP…

TO BE CONTINUED…

10:11 am  •  11 February 2011  •  73 notes

As anyone with a brain knows, racism (and racial inequality) in America ended in November 2008 with the historic election of an African-American president, Barack Obama.  We now live in a post-racial paradise beyond even Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder’s wildest piano metaphor-based dreams.

However, there are still a few nattering ninnies who insist on imagining race-based slights at every turn - mainly liberal media elites claiming the Tea Party movement hates black people.  Utter hogwash!

Disagreeing with President Obama on substantive policy issues does not make one a racist any more than depicting his blatant resemblance to a comically large-eared monkey (complete with banana) in exaggerated cartoon form does.

In any case, I propose that the only relevant measures of racial equality in a capitalist society are OPPORTUNITY and PROSPERITY.  And folks, I’m here to tell you: racial minorities in 2010 America are doing JUST FINE.

For example: I live in a VERY exclusive, VERY expensive gated community.  And while I don’t know any of my (obviously quite wealthy) neighbors personally, I’d guess that at least 80% of them are Mexican immigrants.

What do I base this estimate on?  Well, I see them all out there nearly every morning, proudly mowing, watering, trimming and landscaping their opulent estates to immaculate perfection.

Now I have no idea how these people made their money (ice cream push-carts?  hedge funds?), but I DO know they could NEVER have earned enough to afford one of these multi-million dollar luxury homes in a country where financial opportunities were limited by skin color.  Conclusion?  Financial disparity among different races no longer exists.  Case CLOSED.

“But what of black people?”, you may ask.  Well, while I don’t actually know any personally, they seem to be doing PRETTY DARN WELL from what I see on TV (except maybe on “Cops”).  From basketball to rap, it seems the sky’s the limit for young African-Americans’ earning potential nowadays.

But OH how the liberal media went wild when Mel Gibson used “the N-word”.  Um, REALITY CHECK: Mr. Gibson told his girlfriend that if a pack of N-words raped her, it would be HER fault.  He essentially ABSOLVED N-words of responsibility in a crime they hadn’t even committed yet!  That certainly doesn’t sound very racist to me.

In summary, I’d just like to say that as a privileged white male living in a Caucasian-dominant patriarchy that just happens to be the most prosperous nation in the history of mankind, I am SICK and TIRED of hearing people less fortunate than me complain.  I DESERVE TO BE BLOWN.

1:33 pm  •  28 July 2010  •  57 notes

We’ve all seen recipes manufacturers print on packaged food: directions for making a tasty cheesecake crust with crushed Honey Grahams, for example.  Some are elaborate and ambitious culinary wonders, others are just simple and creative serving suggestions.  But today I bought a box of Ritz crackers emblazoned with what may be the most inane food preparation literature ever seen in print.

There are two “recipes” printed on the back: one for “Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ” and another for “Apple Cheddar Snacks.”  Mmm, those sound yummy!  But wait - what exotic ingredients will I need to purchase at the grocer’s in order to enjoy some “Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ” this mid-afternoon?  And how long will I have to slave over a hot oven to ensure there are “Apple Cheddar Snacks” a-plenty in time for the big game this evening?  Thank God Kraft Foods printed recipes for both right here on the box!

Under the heading “Ritz It Up”, the box reads:

Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ:
PREP TIME: 5 minutes  TOTAL TIME: 5 minutes
MAKES: 3 servings, one topped cracker each.
SPREAD each of 3 RITZ Crackers with 2 teaspoons peanut butter.  Top with 2 thin apple slices. Enjoy!

I’m sorry, but is that the most absurdly elaborate and formal description of how to apply toppings to a cracker (which is what they’re for, after all) ever or WHAT?  What’s wrong with, “Try a Ritz with peanut butter and an apple slice”, for fuck’s sake?

And does it REALLY take five whole minutes “prep time” to top three crackers with peanut butter and apple?  Only if you’re wasting precious moments of your brief life measuring out EXACTLY two teaspoons of PB per and cutting each regular-sized apple slice into two separate and distinct THIN ones (a CRUCIAL detail, mind you) before you pop the whole thing into your mouth in one fell swoop (which is all you get, Tubby - don’t forget: a “serving” is only ONE Peanut Butter and Apple Ritz!)

There are similarly lengthy instructions for preparing “Apple Cheddar Snacks” (which is - yeah, you guessed it - cheddar cheese and apple on a Ritz) where they also manage to get in a plug for CRACKER BARREL Sharp Cheddar Cheese (which I can only assume Kraft also produces), apparently the ONLY brand with which one can prepare an OFFICIAL “RITZ Apple Cheddar Snack.”

The box features a photo with samples of both treats placed appetizingly on an elegant bone-white china plate, with the bold disclaimer “ENLARGED TO SHOW DETAIL.”  Oh really?  I’d assumed, based on the picture, that a Ritz cracker had roughly the same diameter as a 45rpm vinyl single.  Thanks for clearing that up, shit heads.

At the bottom, “the small print” informs you that nutrition information for both these savory taste sensations can be found at www.ritzcrackers.com, a website which also boasts a “Tell a Friend” feature where you can enter up to four email addresses - just to keep ALL your buddies up-to-date on the “news” that “Ritz is better than ever!”  Now THAT’s utilizing the information superhighway to it’s fullest!

In closing, I’d just like to say: Thanks, Kraft Foods - for taking blatant corporate shilling for a fucking CRACKER to new lows both jaw-droppingly condescending AND mind-numbingly stupid.

3:41 pm  •  1 March 2010  •  51 notes