“THE DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT”
An Absurd Scenario Riddled with Obnoxious Wordplay
By Eli Braden and Travon Free
INT. A DOCTOR’S OFFICE, RECEPTION DESK - DAY
MS. TURR (the office receptionist) sits behind counter typing on a desktop computer. We open on a tight shot of the nametag fastened to her blouse that reads ‘MS. TURR’, and zoom out from there.
A woman (MS. TERD-OCTER) approaches counter. MS. TURR looks up.
MS. TURR: Hello. Can I help you?
MS. TERD-OCTER: Yes, hello. My name is Ms. Terd- Octer. I’m here for my annual checkup. Unfortunately, I can’t remember which doctor I made the appointment with, though.
MS. TURR: Well, we have three physicians on staff here: Doctor Doctor, Doctor Mister, and Doctor Pepper.
MS. TERD-OCTER: (Surprised) Doctor PEPPER?
MS. TURR: Yes. Doctor Sargent Pepper.
MS. TERD-OCTER: Doctor SERGEANT Pepper? Is he in the military?
MS. TURR: Oh, no! ‘Sargent’ is Doctor Pepper’s FIRST NAME… Although Doctor DOCTOR does have a BROTHER who’s in the military: Sargent Doctor.
MS. TERD-OCTER: (Somewhat baffled) Sergeant Doctor? … So HE’S a sergeant?
MS. TURR: No. ‘Sargent’ is also Doctor Doctor’s brother’s first name. He’s actually a GENERAL. General Sargent Doctor. In fact, General Doctor is meeting his brother, Doctor Doctor, here for lunch today, coincidentally enough.
MS. TERD-OCTER: (Thoroughly confused) Oh! … Well, in any case, I believe my appointment was with Doctor DOCTOR.
MS. TURR: Doctor Doctor. OK, let’s see…
MS. TURR checks the appointment book.
MS. TURR: (CONT’D) I’m so sorry, Ms. Terd-Octer. Seems your appointment with Doctor Doctor was actually an hour ago.
MS. TERD-OCTER: (Disappointed, checking watch) An hour ago? Oh, I’m sorry I’m late… Do you think though, would it still be possible for Doctor Doctor to see me today?
MS. TURR: Hold on. Let me check…
MS. TURR picks up phone and dials.
MS. TURR: (CONT’D) (Into phone) Hello, Doctor Doctor. This is Ms. Turr at reception. I have a Ms. Terd-Octer down here who missed her doctor’s appointment. Would it be possible for you to see her now? … OK. I’ll let her know.
MS. TURR hangs up.
MS. TURR: (CONT’D) I’m afraid Doctor Doctor can’t fit you in today, Ms. Terd-Octer.
MS. TERD-OCTER: Hmmm, that’s too bad… Well what about Doctor Mister - Would HE be available to see me today?
MS. TURR: Actually, Doctor Mister is a MISSUS.
MS. TERD-OCTER: Oh! Well then, is Mrs. Doctor available?
MS. TURR: Actually Mrs. Doctor is Doctor Doctor’s wife. She’s not a doctor. Did you mean Mrs. MISTER?
MS. TERD-OCTER: Yes, of course! My mistake. Mrs. Mister.
MS. TURR: Well actually Mrs. Mister would prefer you call her DOCTOR Mister. She IS a doctor, after all.
MS. TERD-OCTER: (Slightly irritated) OK, then. Doctor Mister. Is she available?
MS. TURR: (Empathetic) Doctor Mister? I’m sorry. You JUST missed her.
MS. TERD-OCTER: Hmmm, well… Might Doctor PEPPER be available to see me then?
MS. TURR: Doctor Pepper is currently in cans.
MS. TERD-OCTER: You mean Cannes? As in Cannes, France?
MS. TURR: (Deadpan) No. I mean Dr. Pepper is currently available in cans.
Suddenly GENERAL SARGENT DOCTOR (DOCTOR DOCTOR’s military brother) walks into office through front door dressed in full military regalia and carrying a spray mist bottle filled with a dark brown liquid.
GENERAL SARGENT DOCTOR: Did I hear someone say Dr. Pepper?
MS. TURR: General Doctor!
GENERAL SARGENT DOCTOR: Hello, Ms. Turr. Hello ma’am. Ms. Turr, if you could let my brother, Doctor Doctor, know I’m here for our lunch appointment. I can’t wait to show him my new… (Holds up spray mist bottle filled with Dr. Pepper.) …DR. PEPPER MISTER!
GENERAL SARGENT DOCTOR begins excitedly spraying Dr. Pepper into the air. THE END. Robert Palmer’s “Doctor Doctor” plays over closing credits.